From the Vantage of a Lonely Heart

file.jpg


                Love is like a ship. Many people still ride on it without knowing who the real captain is and without any assurance if they could reach their destination safely, or if the ship will just sink in the middle of the ocean. Unfortunately, if the latter has happened, one, who’s not ready for the consequences, will be drowned, and will be alone until the end.

                The one you have read above shows the reality of being unsuccessful in love. You’ll be alone and one the things you can only do is to hold a pen, and write everything what your heart wants to say. So, at this point, from the vantage of a lonely heart, you’ll hear the voice of a Pablo Neruda in his poem ‘Tonight I can Write [the saddest lines]’.

                In this poem, the first line ‘Tonight I can write the saddest lines’ was stated three times. This implies that Neruda wants to put an emphasis on his message by constantly putting it in the verses. The consistency through this brought unity in the theme of the poem. With his use of the modal ‘can’, it suggests that before, he could not write anything sad because every single thing was fine between him and his love. Also, he wrote the poem, based on the lines, at a nighttime which foreshadows the gloomy and dark end of their bright relationship.

                Neruda has also used nature in establishing a connection between his sweet memories in the past and his miseries in the present. He has used the night to build a tone of tranquility and coldness as a result of being alone; the stars to establish the distance to emphasize the fact the he is alone; and the endless sky to express the hope that their love lasts forever.

                The line ‘I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too,’ implies that something has ended, and they have loved each other maybe or maybe not on the same time. The use of the word ‘sometimes’ strengthens the idea he wasn’t loved all throughout their journey. There were only times when she loved him, and that made their relationship weaker.

                Many people are like Neruda; falling in love because of the glimmer of the eyes, or any other physical attributions. The poet has used physical attributes in laying down his reason of loving his lost love. However, after describing his lover’s eyes, which somehow put good vibes in the verse, the mood fell on the cliff and went back discussing his miseries in love. It was more intensified by repeating the first line and followed by the line ‘To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.’ He is pointing out the painful truth of not escaping his fate in love. The use of the words ‘think’ and ‘feel’ implies the horrendous impact of what has happened to them – not only to the feelings, but also to the mind.

             The message of the poem was elevated with the use of personification. He mentioned that hearing the immense night was ‘more immense without her’. In fact, the silence of the night couldn’t be heard as well as its massiveness. With the effective shift of the use of imagery, he pictured out his loneliness brought by the calmness of the immense night.

                The emphasis on distance was seen in the 17th line ‘This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.’ The rhythm and melody he might heard before in her lost love’s voice could still be heard, however, only from a distance. In these parts of the poem, he also used three things to restate the bitter truth that he’s no longer with her: the shattered night, the unsatisfied soul, and his lost heart. After using distance, he also used the element of night, again, and time. This is to strengthen the fact that the time in the present makes a huge difference with the time when they were still under the same night-sky, watching the stars, spending every single second together.

                Again, he plotted a cosmic element in his lines ‘I no longer love her, that’s certain, but how I loved her. My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.’ Here, he was trying to use the wind as a way of relaying his message, because that is the only thing which could witness his solitude. Another striking statement of Neruda are the lines ‘Another’s. She will be another’s. Like my kisses before. Her voice. Her bright body. Her infinite eyes.’ It shows an intolerable feeling of thinking that someone you (for example, Neruda) once had in the past is no longer yours. And since her heart is no longer connected to yours, she could now escape from the reality and so, marks her freedom to search for someone who will fill the gaps in her heart.

                For the second time, he mentioned the line ‘I no longer love her, that’s certain, but maybe I love her.’ This is a proof that there are repetitions of lines in poem, but those were not plotted in the same parts of the verse. And these are to echo his message to the reader. ‘Love is so short, forgetting is so long,’ Neruda said in his poem. This line tells the readers that falling in love is too easy, and being in love seems short in a span of time. What requires a longer time is the acceptance and moving-on. It is too hard to forget someone who once made your heart beat faster than usual, and once put a smile in your lonely face. It is too hard to bring back the warmth you once experienced before suffering an unbearable pain. This is also to reiterate that pain is something which is not easy to forget.

                ‘Though this [would] be the last pain that she makes me suffer and these [are] the last verses that I write for her,’ Neruda said as a concluding message in his poem. In these lines, he indirectly implies that despite of the pain she has brought to him, he has now a strong mind and heart to face the next days without her. Maybe, through these, he will already try to let-go and forget since these verses are the last verses he wrote for her. She can no longer hurt him, and that would be the last since he is now ready to end that lonely night, and wait for the sunset full of hope and love.

pexels-photo-24289.jpg
photo from https://www.pexels.com/photo/alone-freedom-man-person-24289/

For the copy of the poem by Pablo Neruda


Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write, for example,’The night is shattered
and the blue stars shiver in the distance.’

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

Through nights like this one I held her in my arms
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.

She loved me sometimes, and I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.

To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is shattered and she is not with me.

This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

My sight searches for her as though to go to her.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.

The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer love her, that’s certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.

Another’s. She will be another’s. Like my kisses before.
Her voice. Her bright body. Her infinite eyes.

I no longer love her, that’s certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.

Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her.

Advertisements

Verses of the Painful Truth

I am here for a purpose
Not because of spite nor display.
I am here for the one that I love
Because we truly need each other. 

Am I no use at all?
I always ask myself.
But for her, maybe, I am not.
Because she is my rose, and I am her thorn.

Image result for rose with thorn
A lovely rose guarded by her brave lover. photo from clipartfest.com

 

                To the person who’s reading this, I hope, you’re not the pilot nor the little prince whom I know. Not because you won’t understand me but because I really don’t want to seem too useless. I really don’t want to be that thing which inflicts pain upon people. I really don’t want to be the reason why every rose seem to be weak and naïve. I don’t want to be that thorn which people keep on removing whenever they buy a rose. But what could I do? I am just a thorn. I am only a thorn.

 

                For what use I am? To cause pain upon people? To be removed by the grown-ups? Am I too useless? No, I am not. For some, I might be no use at all. I might be too distracting. I might just destroy the beauty and fragrance of my rose. But I would like to tell you that I am here just to protect my rose. Wait, she’s not weak, for your information. She’s actually brave. But I am still at her side to guard her no matter what happen because for me, that’s the best thing to do and that’s what I could offer.

I am your guard, your protection.
My only purpose, my only reason.
I am not useless, I am telling you.
I might give them pain, but that’s the true.

                Yes, we could not forget the notion that I could bring pain to others. I don’t mind what other people might see or witness, as long as I do my part – and that is to show her that she is safe and protected. However, someone even asked me, “Is the rose worth your protection?” I told her that I wouldn’t be placed at my rose’s side if she’s not worth my care. I also told her that thorns are thorns. I might not be pleasing to the eyes of humans whenever I’m with my rose but I have purpose, I have the reason to stay, to live. I have a reason which others can’t see because they’re too blind. They only see the magnificence of the rose. They can’t see and yet not aware that there is a thorn which guards his lovely rose.

                Many people wonder why I’m always at the side of my rose. They say that the rose doesn’t need me in her life. The rose could still bloom despite of my absence. They keep on telling me that the rose could live without me. I don’t need her, they even told me. For them, we don’t actually deserve each other. But why do exist? I exist for a reason. I exist because of my rose and for her alone.

                I might just be a thorn but watch out, try to touch and get my rose, you’ll be in danger.

Such pain, such disturbance I bring
To people, to grown-ups, to sheep;
But I never thought that I, your thorn
Could fall in love with you, my rose.

 

Vox in Papam

Are you there already, Boniface? Are you Benedetto Caetano?
Ah. No, you’re not. I thought you are.

I’m here because of what I have done. Having the life on Earth brought me to sins, to simony.

220px-popenicholasiiicameo
An Italian who never became a priest, until he became the Pope in 1277 (wikipedia.org, n.d).

In my two years, eight months and twenty-eight days of serving the catholic church as the Papa, I did a crime which broke the word of God. With that, some people say that it is good to be my brother. But why? Is it because I am giving them political power and land through some principalities in the Papal State? Well, that is the reason behind the height of the flame on my feet thus, I am considered as the chief sinner in these pits. But I am telling you. The worse sinners are not yet here in the crevices of inferno. Not only for Boniface but Clement V is worse, a more corrupt pope. I am telling you, young man.

Per viam, ego sum Giovanni Gaetano degli Orsini, et Nicolaus Papa tertui (By the way, I am Giovanni Gaetano degli Orsini, your Pope Nicholas III), suffering in the fires of inferno for the things I have done; and for the things I have failed to do.

Photo from https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/f/f8/PopeNicholasIIICameo.jpg/220px-PopeNicholasIIICameo.jpg

A knight blinded by his own Eyes

Before starting reading the masterpiece of Miguel de Cervantes, I’ve been looking for the definition of the title Don Quixote. Quite not expecting for an absolute answer but Merriam-Webster dictionary gave me one. ‘An impractical idealist’, it said. Yes, an impractical idealist.

I’ve never met a man who embodies the same qualities as him. I mean, a man who will sell his lands just to buy lots of books about chivalrous knights and after reading those books, his views, or let’s say, his standards in this world went into other direction. This man? There is no one except Alfonso Quixano.

I am going to share how I perceive the personality of this hidalgo.

BLINDED. Even your own ideals – your own eyes – could blind you.

Obviously, for me, he’s blind. Partly, he’s blind for the truth. He’s not blinded by a bright light but by his own eyes. Maybe because he’s greatly affected by his ‘addiction’ to those books I’ve mentioned before. His mind had reached the far away land where castles and lords can be found. Because of this, he is unable to see the real picture of the world – how it looks like and what it brings to a man like him.

Well, on how he see the world? As if he’s living on a land of full of feudal lords, of knights wearing their shining armors while riding on a brown horse, of tall castles with astounding entrance doors which flabbergasted every guest who enters on it, and of people strictly observing the chivalric codes. In fact, in Chapter VIII, he sees those thirty or forty giant windmills as enemies which needs to be turned down. And for his eyes, an inn is a castle. For all these things? I can’t blame him for that. That is how he see the world.

I might thank Sancho Panza for somehow helping Don Quixote to distinguish reality from his imagination or ‘fantasies’ – that not all the things his eyes could witness are acts or deeds of chivalry.

Regarding this matter, on how he look up into a wider perspective of the world, his ideals result into different outcomes. In his situations, he might have the good intentions at his palm however, there would always be undesirable consequences which might happen and actually did (in the story). His blindness definitely confuses everyone because the people around them (yes, it includes the reader) do not have any idea with his insanity.

This situation might not be exactly seen nowadays but the idea of impractical idealism might be at hand of some people’s unstable mind. It brings nothing. Like on what happened on some of the adventures of Don Quixote, to some extent, it harms others. Being a Don Quixote today is not a good deed. It won’t let you move forward and see the hues of reality. In an article in anomalogue.com (2012), it is stated that the new ideals are impractical because the people who think of it somehow are not concerned on what life could bring and on what is possible1.

Impractical idealism plays the Alan Colmes to practical realism’s Sean Hannity, proving the suspicion that new ideals are essentially impractical and unrealistic because those who conceive them are unconcerned with what is possible and what is currently the case. – anomalogue.com

So, Don Quixote de La Mancha, face the reality. No, don’t face it. Find it. There is nothing wrong by thinking of the ideals of life but I’m warning you – don’t let these bring obscurity to the vividness of life – don’t let your own eyes blind you.

Beware, my friend. Beware.

Photo from https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/you-illuminated/201011/can-blind-brain-learn-see

http://anomalogue.com/blog/2012/09/13/impractical-idealism-vs-practical-realism/

Immeasurable

Dear Job,

I’ve read your story – how things have changed the world and faith could live a life. I could say that faith does not depend on the things that we do have or experience but on the things that we do not have nor experience.

At a young age, I used to attend mass and listen to the words of the gospel together with my parents. As we enter the doors of the church, the first image that welcomes us is Jesus’. I wonder who is God because the presence of Jesus’ image is only what I can see at the altar. Until they have explained it to me. They told me that he can’t be seen yet He is our Father. “He should be feared,” they added. I followed what they said. My faith for Him was then established.

Image result for faith
NOT DEFINITE. Faith has no start nor end and has no measures. Photo from undeaduprising.net

A young man like me is not aware of how things around me are going – if it is good or bad. But then, as time passes by, as my age continues to increase, I would view the world on its other side and worse, it sometimes came to a point that I will question my faith. Do you know why? It is because I suffer, I suffer from pains, nightmares and judgments that life brings to me.

Like you Job, like other people, I also suffer. I suffer from many things which I think I don’t deserved to. It is okay for me if material things are the reasons why I suffer but my heart would fell and break when this pain was brought to me by people, worse, my friends. Way back then, years ago, I once suffered when a group of people teased me because of who I am. I accepted every word that leaves a wound into my heart. Just because of my pair of legs. They tease me because my pair of legs is described as ‘sakang’. Every step that I make, I could hear either a gossip or laughter. They would even tell me to walk faster and walk ahead of them for the latter to observe the way I walk. Then, they would ask me why. Yes, this piece of joke could hurt me. I know to myself that I’m being nice to everyone. I give respect because I know I could also earn it. But then, they are being selfish on the respect that they couldn’t give me even a bit. I accept everything because I know that these things would make me stronger. Having a ‘different’ pair of leg will set me different from other people.

I also suffer from the feeling of losing someone. Just this year, a week before our Entablado: A Showcase of Talent, someone who’s important left the world of reality. My aunt ended her sufferings – leaving the pain that an illness brought to her life. At that point, I told myself that I must be strong for my other relatives. I witnessed the tears and growls as she bid her last goodbye to us, her family. I really felt sorry when I heard that her children keep on shouting ‘Ma, ‘wag mo kami iwan, Ma’. This point in my life made me suffer because I really hate seeing people crying. Our sufferings didn’t end there. This year, just a week before going back to Pisay, my uncle went to our house to tell us on what happened to my grandfather. Yes, after almost three months of mourning, another significant person left us. Papa O, as we call him, left us with regrets. My father’s side’s family experienced conflicts before because of the wrong decisions that our Lolo had made. Wrath stole the purity of their hearts thus hating my grandfather on what he did. My grandfather’s children hated him. When his last day already came into reality, I felt really sad. I have never had a quality time talking with him unlike what my other siblings have experienced. The last time I’ve heard his voice was many years ago and I do not have an idea that it would be the last. I regret the days that have past because I never grabbed an opportunity on showing him the love that I could give. Yes, I really love him not because I am only saying this because he already left us but because I know that he loved us more than what we are expecting. Lastly, I regret on not visiting him before he totally left us. I suffered the feeling of losing people and I could say that it is really hard.

 

Image result for immeasurable
SUFFERINGS do not define our Faith because nothing could. Photo from iamembrace.com

These nightmares changed me into someone who is not me. My faith to my dear Lord was tested but these circumstances would never be the reason of making me not believing Him. Nothing could destroy my faith because this serves as the foundation of my life. I have never shown to the people that I am weak because these struggles are the reason why I am living. It is part of humanity – sufferings are a part of our lives.

So my dearest friend, faith could not be measured. It resides inside our heart and only you could find it. There is always faith, it would never be absent. Never give up, Job.

 

Your friend,

Edr

 

 

 

 

 

 

Some things Everyone needs

Food. Shelter. Clothes.

These three necessities will basically support a man’s life. The essence of these things could be greatly seen and observed every time. Yes, everybodu agrees that we all need food, shelter and clothes for us to live this life. But then, our life does not basically and completly depend on these material things. At the very beginning, we all know that no one could live a life only by themselves – that could take a journey of rise and falls without someone behind them. And do you have an idea of these shadows of people whom we need in climbing this mountain of life, in facing the  depths of seas and oceans, in fighting these horrible nightmares? Those who could be with us in times of troubles, in sharing happy thoughts and moments and in waiting a sunrise after every sunset – these people who could be you Gilgamesh, your Enkidu and your Ninsun? Yes, this is what I am going to share to you.

A Star’s shoulder

                “I can tell thee that this star shall be thy friend – a friend who will be true and loyal to the end; beside thee he will walk, an standing strong, forsaking even life when facing wrong; companion, friend and brother – all these three, my Gilgamesh, shall he become to thee.” – Ninsun to Gilgamesh (from The Meeting of Two Men).

Many people say that each of us could have a million of friends but not all could be true to you. Also, they say that it is really hard to distinguish a friend who will not stab you at the back from those who will. But wait, what is the basis of telling that a friend is being true to you? A friend must be someone’s love who serves as his motivating force in life.

In this epic, Ninsun enlightened her son in such a way that she told him that the star from his dreams won’t be a barrier but instead a friend who will end his sufferings. Later on, it was proven that Ninsun is right in saying those things. Enkidu came and entered the life of the King, became friends even they consider one another as enemies before who could ruin every decision and action they want to follow and do, respectively. Upon establishing a relationship between them, they could be considered as the present day ‘best buds/buddies’ who will not leave you not because they only need you but because you don’t deserve to be left.

Enkidu became  a good friend to Gilgamesh and vice versa.

Image result for gilgamesh and enkidu friendship
Friends are a person’s forever treasures. Photo from http://www.ucds.org/spark/blog/?p=591

We all know that a friend could change a man into someone who’s better or even worse. In the case if their friendship, each of them causes one another to change positively. The goodness and nobility in the hear of Enkidu prevailed through his friend. Also, his personality if being self-seeking person also faded as Gilgamesh nurtured him to become his better self. Through Enkidu, Gilgamesh became a better man, a better king, a better hero. They are equal yet they balance each other’s personality because first of all, it is one of the reasons of friendship, right? They both had their journey together. They shared every challenge and victory that life gave them.

 

 

The effect of their friendship was even intensified when Enkidu suffered from an illness imposed by the gods and goddesses. The heart of Gilgamesh was broken when his brother already met the darkest night of his life. To a friend, it is as painful as a wounded heart when your friend will surely leave you. Nothing could beat the pain of losing someone who is important. Enkidu became the star in the dreams of Gilgameh. The previous had given the latter his shoulder, as a friend whom everyone could hold on tightly when he does not know that to do.

Let me ask you, have you already met your Enkidu? Or are you stil looking for him? Look around you; maybe you have not noticed him as he once attempted to help you. He might be the one beside you, or the one you have talked to yesterday, or even the one who fought with you before. He might be the one of your colleagues or even of the people listed on your top-hated-people list. Everyone could be your Gilgamesh or Enkidu, regardless of race, gender, color or views in life.

Everytime I encounter people, I never judge them because no one knows that they could be the star in my lonely nights. I hope that everyone would not be left by their friends – those who will stay to shine in the blue skies and will not just fall as a falling star nor be a dead star.

A Fairy’s Love

Filial love.

No one could exist in this world without her. She, who carried me for 9 months, watched me for 2 years as I learn how to walk and say my first word and loved me for a lifetime. Some people say that she could be a teacher, a doctor, a guidance councelor and even an alarm clock – when you really need to wake up early. Do you know who she is? She is someone who is similar to Ninsun – a mother. Have you ever wonder why she could transform into a person who could do every single job? Read the first line above this paragraph, it is the reason.

 

Image result for filial love
Photo from tibby-kitty.deviantart.com

What’s filial love for? Just simple, it is for you to live because with its absence, your life would not be complete. Today, many people encounter serious problems which relate to their parents. Some children are abandoned, left in the streets while begging for some cents; some were not even given the chance to witness the world. I encounter people who suffer some conflicts similar to these nightmares. These problems are the things that some mothers should have been thought before. Also, these are the things that I should be thankful of not having not because other people experience it but because I do have a mother who is not just a mother, but also a fairy to six children.

One time I got sick, she immediately get a clothe soaked into a hot water, then applied hot compress to reduce my headache. She stays at my side no matter what happens. Every time she hears me shouting because of pain, she runs towards beside me to know what’s happening. She gave me my medicine tablets after serving to me my meals. She waits me until I fell asleep. She eases the pain that I experience. A medicine I consider, she is the most effective one.

On the other hand, my mom is like Ninsun, the mother of Gilgamesh. In this epic, she have shown what a mother should do. She is someone who guides and enlightens his son on his ideas and decisions. Once, Gilgamesh had encountered dreams about a star. Upon knowing about her son’s dreams, she helped him to understand what is it for. Ninsun have interpreted, in such a way, and cleaned the thoughts of her son. She told him that it is someone who’ll come into his life and will end the sufferings it provides. Ninsun, like any other mother, does everything for the sake of her son and do you know why? Again, read the first line stated before – filial love.

Not all experience the love of a parent to his/her child but everyone deserves to be a Gilgamesh having a Ninsun, a mother. If the King of Uruk has a Goddess known for her wisdom, I am thankful that I do also have Maria Teresa Divinaflor as my fairy.

————————————————————————–

I have shared to you my thoughts, my friend. Find your Enkidu or Gilgamesh and start building the foundation of a great friendship. Love your Ninsun more than the way she loves you. Take care of these people because they will fill every gap in your life thus making you a complete man; never waste them because regrets will make you realize that you need them at every point of your life.

Always remember that the basic necessities could sustain a life but life would not be a life without those people who will stay at your side and will feed your heart and soul. Food, shelter and clothes could give you a canvass of life but love – the love coming from our friends, families, Savior – will paint a colorful masterpiece on it.

A star’s shoulder. A fairy’s love.

 

Terms:

Filial love – a parent’s love to his/her child

Enkidu – the friend of Gilgamesh who once wrestled with him before

Gilgamesh – king of Uruk; Builder King; two-thirds god, one-third man

Ninsun – the mother of Gilgamesh; the Goddess known for her wisdom

Friend – someone a person needs to make sorrows end (based from The Meeting of Two Men)